JAN’S FRESH REAL NEWS
                            © 2001: Jan Cox
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September 14, 2001.
 
 
 

                  Today we cover nothing but Health News
                            ____________________________
 
 
 

London -  For years it has been accepted medical fact that the purpose of sleep
is to give the body a time to rejuvenate itself, but a just published article claims that the real reason humans sleep is because it affords the brain the opportunity of doing whatever it pleases in its thought producing operations
without the usual interference of its own censuring mechanisms therein.
This period in bed, curled up, quiet, with eyes closed,
allows the brain to run images & conversations that it would not ordinarily permit itself to do when in the upright, opened eyed position,
according to the authors.
This is similar, (they note), to a theatre owner being able to show whatever films
he personally enjoys without the presence of an audience,
or the pressure of pleasing same.
Based on their research, they conclude that sleep is not actually
a physiological necessity, but is only done to give the brain this pleasure
during a time when it would not normally have much to do anyway.
(And in a footnote, one of the authors adds that after all the brain does for us all day long, this [sleeping] seems like the least we can do in return).

(When this story first came in, someone here in our news bureau asked aloud, what implications this might have concerning man’s overall
state of consciousness,
but we are here to present the news  --  not engage in speculation.)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Sydney -  The world’s largest living organism has been believed to be
a mushroom field in Transylvania, covering more than six hundred acres,
with all plants therein being connected below ground;
but now a botanist (among other things)
from down-under (among other positions)
denies this and says that the neural activity known as, “thought”
is in fact the largest living entity on this planet.
According to his privately sponsored investigations,
the findings definitively show that the thoughts of people
over areas far in access of mere acres are indisputably connected below ground (that is, out of visible sight).
He says that this discovery also dramatically extends the
frontier of understanding man’s often puzzling collective behavior;
from the limited tribal & neighbor level
to that of entire nations & mass numbers of people.
His view is that a certain thought had by but one human in a particular area
can very quickly, even instantaneously, spread to those around him,
and suddenly be had by many;
and it all occurring below ground,
and thus unnoted by the mushrooms, (make that: humans) involved.
(As a side note: in reaction to the botanist's findings,
the chair of the Psy Dept at Hobart U. said he should:
“stick to fungus and leave the really important matters
to those who properly appreciate them.”)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Buenos Aires -  At the end of a conference devoted to the question:
“What Is The Engine That Drives Medical Advancement?”
the consensus white paper reaffirmed the common view that
it is the concern of the individuals in medicine for those who are ill,
but a minority xeroxed opinion was distributed to the press
by an untagged man in a tailored and striking fuchsia lab coat,
which identifies, “Whining” as the real source of progress.
It insists that the revered figures of history's great medical discoveries
were not motivated by their sympathy for the sick,
but were driven to their finds by some member of their household
continually complaining about some pain,
(a wife, husband, relative endlessly whining:
“Oh -  this headache's so bad I can’t even get out of bed!”
“Oh -  this tumor on my neck is so unsightly that I am ashamed to even go to the store” --  and on and on like that).
The report goes on to note that several of the better known
medical breakthroughs in treatment were made by men who were not even IN medicine --  but who merely wanted to get out of the house, and away from the whining, and ended up dickering around in a lab with the complaining still resonating in their heads, and --  Voila! --  first thing you know:
the discovery of aspirin, (and so on).
He concluded by proclaiming that complaining must be a specialized function of the human brain, playing a role of significance heretofore overlooked.
Once the majority spokesmen for the conference had seen this opposition paper,
they en mass denounced it and its author,
(but several members did express admiration for the cut of his custom lab coat
and asked for his tailor’s name.
...[Ahhh --  the irrepressible camaraderie amongst professionals]).
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Bangkok -  The police had to be summonsed on several occasions to the hotel where was being held, the 13th annual meeting of:
The International Fraternity of Elephant Trainers & Psychiatrists
due to the intense internal dispute among the delegates
as to their official stand on the question of:
“Why do humans act so stupid?”  which itself was a cause of great consternation
in that many of the participants found the phrasing offensive,
and offered instead such substitutes as:
“Why do human beings frequently behave in ways that are both
inexplicable & contrary to their own self interest?”
while supporters of the former said that the latter was just a
porked-up, cover-up version for the plain reality of the original.
Once calm was restored, three separate reports from three different panels
were presented to the entire delegation:
one held the position that humans are not in fact as stupid
as they sometimes appear, but for some unknown reason, simply pretend to be;
a second presented view was that in the evolution of homo sapiens,
some unknown error occurred, accounting for man’s persisting bouts of stupidity, and detrimental behavior;
the third report concluded that the problem of “stupidity”
rests not in man’s behavior but rather in the reports of his behavior;
that man is not stupid   --   but all accountings of him are.
...('Twas then broke out, the biggest brawl of all.)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The 9,279th meeting of The League of The Seriously Deceased
again issued no report.
 

The Council on Maturity & Aging states that its most up to date research continues to indicate that few people ever actually   --  grow up.
 

And as happens every year at this time,
there are rumors from various locations  throughout the world
alleging the conclave of the group that has come to be known as: The Smart Guys and of them having issued a report on the state of man,
but as always:  no one actually saw them, or the report,
                          and that wraps up this edition of: Health News.

                                                       J
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

....Oh, there was also a get together by TWWBOEFOP,
(The World Wide Brotherhood Of Excuses For Ordinary People),
which issued its monthly report (which still remains unchanged), that said: everyone is doing the best they can.